What you haven't, and will never, see on TV!
by Tenka no Miko
Summary: Kaede takes a camera backstage of the set to InuYasha! Employing the authoress as her camera crew, she guides you around the warehouse, showing you horrors and possibly lifescaring of the InuYasha cast.


(wipes away tears) My reviewers...

cutterforthecause, Twilight Sazuka, and Possessed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno...

You all make me feel like...

Like...

A writer on crack. XD

Since you all make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, here is yet another hilariously pointless story!

Popcorn and soda sold in the back!

Enjoy!

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"Ahem, wait, is this thing on?" an elder lady asks. Of course, we should all figure out who this is instantaneously. "Kagome! How do you use this camera?" she yells.

"Just a sec, Kaede! Let me turn off my karoake machine!" comes the high-pitched response. The hallways became eerily silent, and footsteps were heard. A green miniskirt comes onto the screen, but you see no more than that, other than some of the high schooler's thigh.

"Kaede, the camera's on. Why did'ya need me fer that?" she asks, her dignified voice quickly changing to favor a more... country accent. Where I live, it's called a redneck accent.

"Thanks, Kagome." Kaede says, then shoos her off. She holds the camera so that it is pointed straight at her gnarled face, and smiles. Note, there is no eye-patch. I always knew that she could see from that eye. She opens her mouth to talk, hence, her dentures fall out.

"Aw, shift." she curses, setting down the camera. You can see her on her knees fumbling around much like Velma from Scooby Doo does as she searches for her glasses. A pair of shoes is seen, and then some kneecaps.

"Kaede, would you like me to film?" a girl asks. Kaede looks up, and sees a girl with short brown hair and glasses.

"IFT'S TEH DEFIL!" Kaede yells. In reality, it was only the authoress of this story. Her friend? Well, we'll see her later. The camera moves again as the authoress picks it up and points it at Kaede.

"I resent that comment." she says, pointing to Kaede's teeth. Kaede picks them up, and thusly examines them for hair.

"Has Inuyasha been shedding again?" she asks, plucking silver hairs from her teeth and popping them back in. The authoress giggles, and looks down the music-filled hallway. She swings the camera back to Kaede as she begins speaking.

"Welcome to 'What You Never Saw on TV!' Today, we will give you a backstage tour of what the Inuyasha cast really acts like when the big, official looking camera is not shoved in their faces!" Kaede narrates. "If you will follow me, we will first stop at Kagome's dressing room."

The authoress points the camera forward, then turns it and looks at the big, gold star that has 'Kago' engraved in it. "What a low budget studio." she mumbles, but the camera picks it up. The authoress fumbles for the doorknob, and opens the door. Noise fills the screen as an eardrum-bursting blast of music erupts from the room. 'Redneck Woman' blasts from the speakers right next to Kagome's head. A horrible screeching was coming from the microphone. Or rather, Kagome's throat. Kaede swiftly slammed the door shut.

"That was Kagome singing 'Redneck Woman'." she yells loudly, as if the music was still just as loud. The noise clears from the camera, and the view is as clear as before. The authoress nearly collapses from the high-pitched screeches dubbed Kagome's singing. "Next, we're off to Inuyasha's dressing room!" Kaede yells, albeit a little bit softer. As the duo neared the dressing room, the camera catches the authoress' friend walking into the room with what looked like a condom.

"Oh dear God." the authoress says on camera. Kaede didn't catch it and continued towards the room. The authoress adjusted the camera, then opened the door.

"AH!" The authoresses friend screamed.

"AH!" The authoress screams back.

"AH!" Kaede screams, her voice sounding like a badly-tuned violin.

"AH!" Inuyasha screams in a very, very high-pitched, girly voice. The authoress bursts out into laughter, as everyone looks at Inuyasha curiously. Kaede begins backing slowly out of the room, and the authoress quickly follows suit.

"Inuyasha has a girly, high-pitched voice!" The authoress taunts.

"SHUT UP!" Inuyasha screams, throwing something at them. The authoress ducks in due time as a box of condoms flies over her head and bursts open, showering the duo with... well, condoms.

"RUN!" The authoress declares, running. Condoms drops from her hair as she and Kaede run faster than they knew they could. Gradually, they slow to a stop, and catch their breath. The camera points to the floor as the authoress leans on her knees, laughing. "Inuyasha... voice... condoms... HAH!" she breaths out.

"And now, we move on to Miroku's room." Kaede suddenly narrates. The camera points back up and they both begin walking towards the purple door on the left. Light purple, to be exact. 'Royal Purple', as Crayola has dubbed it, belongs to Naraku.

"Miroku! We're coming in!" Kaede declares, then thrusts open his door. There is a long, long pause as the camera lands on Miroku.

In a floor-length dress.

With sparkles.

Wearing make-up.

"Oh. My. God." the authoress says.

"Hence is Miroku." Kaede says, then runs from the room.

"I am being myself!" he yells behind her. "Hey, sexy." he says to the authoress. She throws the camera under her arm, upside-down under her arm to be exact, and runs from the room, not only slamming the door behind her, but leaning a chair under the doorknob, thusly locking him in.

"OPEN THIS DOOR!" comes his cries, but to no avail. Kaede and the authoress were long gone, headed straight for Sango's door. The authoress once again had the camera shouldered and was peering through the lense.

"Oh, Miroku..." came a voice. The authoress pointed the camera at Kaede, then tentatively opened the door. Around 15 bottles of beer were strewn around, and Sango was wearing very, very skanky clothes. She was hitting on a little boy.

A little boy that was very much afraid.

A little boy that happened to be her younger brother, Kohaku.

"Miroku... why do you run?" she asks, drunkenly.

"Please, HELP ME!" Kohaku yelled as Sango glomped him again. Kaede opened her mouth as if to speak, but closed it and seperated the two at arm's length.

"Sango! Couch! Kohaku! OUT!" she yells, and both quickly obey orders. "On to the next room, shall we?" Kaede asks, removing the authoress from the room and closing the door behind them. They hence head towards Sesshomaru's dressing room.

"Moon Prism Power, Make-up!" the camera picks up, and instead of Usagi's high-pitched voice saying it, it was a deep, man's voice. The authoress opened the door to his dressing room, and saw a very, very horrifying sight.

Sesshomaru in Sailor Moon's outfit.

"In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!" he says, striking her pose.

"Oh dear God." the duo says simultaneously, and closes the door.

"ON TO NARAKU!" The authoress declares, and they both start running for the aforementioned 'Royal Purple' door. Kaede opened the painted door, and saw the world's most hilarious sight.

Naraku cowering from a white daisy.

"Not one step closer!" he said, holding out his hand towards them. "It's poisonous! It'll murder you!"

"Naraku... it's a daisy." The authoress points out.

"It's deadly!" he hisses.

"Right Naraku, you do that." Kaede says, grabs the authoresses arm, and drags her from the room.

"Let's go see what Kagura and Kanna are up to." The authoress suggests, then heads for said room.

"Kanna, turn off that horrible music." a clearly male voice says, arousing suspicions in the authoresses mind. Kaede reaches for doorknob and opens the door reluctantly. There sat 'Kagura' with 'her' shirt off exposing a clearly flat chest.

"KAGURA'S A GUY!" the authoress yells, then turns to the girl in the corner, rapping like no tomorrow.

"What's the fo'shizzle, nizzle?" Kanna asks, striking a clearly gangster pose.

"KANNA'S A RAPPER!" she yells again, then backs slowly out of the room. "Come on Kaede! Don't you think this is enough 'exposing' for one night?"

"No! There is still Kikyou, Kouga and his 'clan' and Ayame and her 'clan'." Kaede declares, heading for the undead priestess' dressing room." The authoress sighs, and follows Kaede. Kaede thrusts open the door, and reveals Kikyou cutting her wrist. Which, by the way, made a horrible screeching noise. The authoress shut the door, her ears ringing. "That... was... very, very painful." she says.

"We're almost done!" Kaede says, then skips off towards the cafeteria.

After several hours of wandering aimlessly around the huge studio, the authoress points out a huge sign that says 'Cafeteria' in dark, bold-print letters. They walk inside, and hear screaming. Simultaneous screaming.

"It's my pickle!" Kouga and his 'clan' yelled simultaneously.

"No, we were here first!" Ayame and her 'clan' screamed. Simultaneously.

"And thusly ends our tour of backstage! Until next time!" The authoress yells, shutting off the camera.

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Okay, not as hilarious as I thought. T.T Tell me what you all think, and maybe my stories will improve.


End file.
